Send to All
by Holz9364
Summary: Hermione grabs Harry's mobile phone and sends out a text to all of his contacts which brings in various interesting replies. It sparks a little game they play within the friend group called 'Send to All'. The aim of the game? Steal a friends phone and send a text to all of their contacts! ALSO UPLOADED ON A03 UNDER THE NAME 'Holz9364'. RATED M FOR LANGUAGE.
1. Harry's Phone

**Send to All**

 _ **A/N: Based on the game 'Send to All' that was featured on the Michael McIntyre Chat Show. I loved that show, it made me laugh so much!**_

 **GGG.**

Hermione sometimes wondered why she had ever convinced Harry to get a muggle mobile phone. At first he had needed it for work. It was a requirement for undercover Auror missions that frayed into the muggle world. But eventually Hermione had managed to convert him to a decent phone and as a result he actually used it for something other than work.

Most muggle-borns had mobile phones these days, as did half-bloods. Some pure-bloods had even seen the appeal of the muggle technology. If you were out and needed to talk to someone it was easy, you didn't need to find a fireplace or send an owl and wait for a reply. Wizards and witches who could produce a corporeal patronus mostly thought they were pointless but not everyone was able to do that.

Harry's only problem was that he never kept his phone locked, and he always left it lying around for anyone to peek at. Hermione decided to make an example of him for this one night when she was, admittedly very drunk. She had just stopped breast-feeding her son Hugo. As a result it had been bloody ages since she had actually been able to drink.

So the three bottles of red wine that she and Harry had split between them, well they had really gone to her head. The problem with sharing Harry as a best friend meant that she and Ron rarely got to see him together because one of them always had to watch the children. They knew that they could ask Molly, but as a rule they tried not to. She had 8 other grandchildren to juggle, Ron and Hermione didn't want to give her anymore work.

As it was, Hermione was spending the evening at Harry's flat. Ron used to worry about Hermione going to Harry's alone and coming back pissed as a newt. However when Harry and Ginny had announced that they were separating after the birth of their youngest son, Albus, things changed. The Weasley's were upset at first, and Ron was angry until Harry got drunk and had an emotional breakdown about the fact that the whole marriage had been a sham because he was gay. Ron had stared at him for a moment and then he laughed in relief because he had been terrified that Harry and Hermione were having an affair.

So here they were, 29 and 28 years old respectively, pushing on the big 30. Harry was divorced with two lovely little boys, Jamie and Al. And Hermione was still married to Ron, still despairing at how much of an idiot he was while smiling fondly at him. She had two beautiful children, and yet she and Harry still got together once a month to catch up and admittedly to gossip. It had only improved now that she could drink again. God, she had missed red wine.

In her slightly tipsy state Hermione got a rather wicked idea. She grabbed Harry's phone and went to his texts. He had the same phone as her so she could operate it easily. She selected 'send to all' and then typed up a quick text, giggling as she did so. When it was finished it read, _"Still gutted about the break-up. I need to get out and have a bit of fun again. Me and you, lap dancing. Are you in or out? Come on, let's do this!"_

Hermione tried to control herself as she slipped Harry's phone into her back pocket. When he re-entered the room with some nibbles and another bottle of wine she was perfectly composed.

"So like I was saying before I went to get this," Harry said with a general wave of his hand as he sat down next to her on the sofa, "Justin ended things with me."

"I thought you broke up with him," Hermione said in surprise.

Harry shook his head, "Nope, apparently I work too much."

"You do work too much," Hermione said pointedly.

"I know," Harry sighed, "But I did really like Justin. I don't know about love, I don't even know what it is anymore but he was a really good guy."

"And then there was all that awesome gay sex," Hermione giggled.

Harry grinned, "Well I don't need Justin for that. I have a lot of friends."

"Uh-huh," Hermione smirked, "Gay friends?"

"Experimental friends at least," Harry said in amusement, "But it was just nice having someone to hug at night and share dinners with."

"Well it wouldn't have lasted," Hermione said matter of factly, "He wasn't very keen on the children, was he? You need someone who'll take Jamie and Al out with you. Someone who can handle that."

"I know," Harry yawned, "It's just that Gin and me were together for so long. I got used to the companionship, despite the lack of sex."

Hermione smiled sympathetically and then Harry's phone began to buzz like mad in her back pocket. She giggled and threw up an easy shield charm to stop Harry from reaching over to her.

"I stole your phone and sent a little text out to everyone," Hermione grinned as she pulled the phone from her pocket.

Harry's face paled, "Oh God...Hermione, what did it say?"

Hermione giggled more than ever, "It said this; _Still gutted about the break-up. I need to get out and have a bit of fun again. Me and you, lap dancing. Are you in or out? Come on, let's do this!"_

Harry's eyes popped, "Hermione! I have Ron on there! Oh my God, who has replied? What have they said? Oh shit Hermione, my boss is in my contacts! My _boss_!"

Hermione managed to stop giggling for long enough to start reading out the texts, "Ooh is Roy Davidson your boss?"

Harry nodded warily, "Oh fuck, what did he say?"

Hermione cackled, " _Harry, I'm sure you don't mean me. My dancing days are long over, but have a good night. Best, Roy_."

Harry let his head fall into his hands, "Hermione," he whined.

"It gets better!" Hermione said eagerly, "Theodore Nott replied, how do you know him?"

"He's an Unspeakable, I've worked a few cases with him," Harry replied with narrowed eyes.

"Well he's totally up for it," Hermione giggled, " _You know what I'm like, totally in. Can't do tonight because I'm working tomorrow morning. Male or female lap dancers? I'm game either way_."

"Oh god," Harry muttered.

"I think I might have gotten you laid," Hermione grinned, "Oh god, Ron replied!"

Harry raised an eyebrow at Hermione, "What did he say?"

Hermione laughed loudly, "He knows us too well. He said, " _What mate? Has Hermione gotten drunk and nicked your phone?"_

Harry actually laughed, "That's not so bad. Are there more?"

"Plenty more," Hermione chuckled, "They're coming in by the second. Gosh, Justin replied! He said, " _Not sure that's a good idea given what just happened. By all means have fun without me, you normally do."_

"Well," Harry said irritably, "Could he get any bitterer if he tried?"

Hermione glanced at Harry sympathetically, "On the bright side there are a couple of interesting replies. Ooh there's one from Oliver Wood!"

Harry grimaced, "Oliver Wood who I had a very hot fling with last Christmas?"

"Uh-huh," Hermione said, "This one is saucy. It says, _Don't you remember the last time we went to a lap dancing club? You got drunk and gave me a private dance in the bathroom of the club ;) FYI I am totally up for reliving that experience. Sorry Justin broke up with you, but you are_ _ **way**_ _too fit for him._ "

Harry cringed.

Hermione grinned, "I am seriously going to get you a date here Harry. I mean so far you have your choice of Theodore Nott or Oliver Wood."

Harry groaned, "This is so embarrassing."

Hermione cackled once more, she was evil. How had she not been in Slytherin? He didn't know why he was friends with her.

"Oh Susan Bones replied, how do you know her?"

"She's the Assistant Head of the DMLE," Harry cringed.

"Well she said, _At last some real dancing. What was that you called dancing at the department Christmas party? I'm in!"_

Harry laughed nervously, "Oh Godric, work on Monday...I have to go to work on Monday."

"Oh dear," Hermione said sheepishly, "Ginny replied and she's not too happy."

"Oh man," Harry said in disbelief.

" _Shouldn't you be more worried about looking after your children than drowning your sorrows in alcohol and sex, Harry?"_

"Great, now my ex-wife thinks I'm a terrible Father," Harry said with a shake of his head.

"I'll explain to her," Hermione promised, "Oh my gosh, Luna replied! She said, " _100% in. I never say no to an invite."_

Harry barked out a laugh, and Hermione cackled at the next text, "And Bill said, " _There's a time and place for everything Harry. I'll be there."_

Harry didn't know whether to shake his head in disbelief, laugh or melt into the ground in embarrassment, "Oh Merlin, I don't know how much more of this I can take."

"Well there are still quite a lot of texts," Hermione giggled, "Neville is so up for this! " _Very kind offer, but I'm not about this week. Got a big Herbology project on the go. Tuesday I can do, Witching Hour in Knockturn alley, super venue."_

Harry barked out a laugh, "Neville said that? Oh holy Helga, I need to have a night out with him! Neville, up for going to a lap dancing club!" he had lost it.

Hermione wasn't much better, she had to take a few minutes to compose herself and gulp down a large sip of wine before she could continue, "Oh and there's a reply from Blaise Zabini."

"He's a lawyer, I know him through work," Harry said, answering Hermione's silent question.

Hermione giggled as she read the text, " _Are you kidding? Of course I'm in. Do you want to do this now? It's happy hour till 10 tonight in Knockturn_."

"Oh by Godric's ghost, Blaise Zabini wants to go to a lap dancing club with me," Harry snorted, "This can't get much worse."

"Well you have another reply from a Weasley brother," Hermione grinned, "George just replied, " _Yes, yes, yes!_ "

Harry snorted.

"And there's a reply from someone called Daphne Greengrass?" Hermione said curiously.

"Oh she's just a woman I know from work. She does undercover work for us," Harry said in amusement, "She's the only woman apart from Ginny that I've ever slept with but she's a Metamorphmagus so she can-"

"However that story ends, I don't want to hear it," Hermione said, holding her hand up in amusement, "She did say this though, " _Someone has a short memory. The last time we went lap dancing you pulled something Potter, and it wasn't a muscle."_

Harry's cheeks flushed, "Yeah we won't talk about that story either," he said quickly.

Hermione raised an amused eyebrow at him, "Another Weasley brother! Charlie said, " _Definitely. Will have to be Wandlust though. I'm banned from Poledust."_

Harry's cheeks turned even pinker, and Hermione looked at him curiously, "Those are both gay clubs."

"Yep," Harry said sheepishly, "They are."

"You and Charlie Weasley?"

"Once!" Harry exclaimed, "It was once, and Ginny doesn't know so I would like to keep it that way."

"When did _this_ happen?" Hermione asked in amusement.

"Christmas Eve," Harry muttered.

"In the Burrow?" Hermione shrieked, "Oh my gosh! In Charlie's old bedroom?"

Harry nodded, his cheeks were now the colour of Ron's hair, "Yes, can we drop this please? And can I have my bloody phone back?"

Hermione shook her head in disbelief, "I can't believe you never told me that. And no you can't have it back because you have one more text from...Draco Malfoy."

Harry's eyes widened, "Oh shit, he's my Auror partner! Oh my god."

Hermione bit her lip, "Well his reply is interesting."

"Why? What does it say?" Harry asked quickly.

"Why are you so eager to know?" Hermione smirked, "This doesn't have anything to do with your lifelong crush on him, does it?"

"What lifelong crush?" Harry asked, his cheeks well and truly red now.

Hermione continued to smirk at him, "It _does_ have something to do with that then. Well that's interesting, considering he and Astoria divorced last year."

"Just tell me what the bloody text says, Hermione!"

"As you wish," Hermione grinned, "It says, _What the fuck Potter? I ask Scorpius to read me the text as I was busy cooking. He said 'Daddy I think Uncle Harry wants to see you naked'. What am I going to say now for Salazar's sake? Anyway, tell me where and when and I'll be there_."

Harry's jaw dropped.

Hermione's grin widened, "And he put a winking emoticon at the end."

"He what?"

Hermione just crossed her arms and looked at Harry smugly, "I'm going to reply."

"No, Hermione! Don't!"

But Hermione was already replying, " _Sorry for scarring Scorpius but for the record I do want to see you naked."_

"No, Hermione!" Harry whined as she sent the text and grinned at Harry.

"You are the world's worst best friend," Harry grumbled, smashing through the barrier she had put around herself with one thrust of his hand. He wrestled the phone from her and glared at her, "You're like my annoying meddling older sister."

"Well my meddling is going to get you laid one way or another," Hermione grinned, "And for the record, Draco is far better for you than Justin. He has a son the same age as James, and he loves kids."

"Yeah he's also my Auror partner and I'm pretty sure he's not gay," Harry said irritably as his phone pinged. He checked his phone anxiously, and his jaw dropped when he saw the text from Draco.

Hermione jumped up, "What does it say?"

Harry tried to compose himself, "It...uh...it says... _Sounds interesting Potter. Scorpius has just gone to bed. Does Ginny have the kids this weekend? I'll pour you a firewhiskey. Use the bedroom fireplace."_

Hermione looked so goddamn smug. Harry wanted to roll his eyes at her, but he was too busy staring at his phone. She kissed him on the cheek and grabbed her coat, "Well I will be going home to my husband. Have a good night."

Harry grinned broadly at her, "Hermione, I love you."

Hermione returned his grin, "So you should, you would be miserable without me. Night Harry."

"Night Hermione," Harry said as he threw floo powder into the fireplace frantically.

 **THE END**


	2. Hermione's Phone

**Send to All - Hermione's Phone  
**

It had been 2 months since Hermione had played her rather wicked trick on Harry. He had so much explaining to do the morning after Hermione had stolen his phone. Explaining to the Head Auror and the Assistant Head of the DMLE that his best friend had drunkenly texted all of his contacts was no fun. Especially when said best friend was the Assistant Head of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures; and therefore a respected person within the magical world.

Explaining to Neville that he didn't actually want to go out to a strip club had been interesting. And turning down Theodore Nott's offer of a lap dance had been incredibly awkward. As had been bumping into his ex-lover Oliver Wood on Diagon Alley two days after that text had gone out. Then there had been Ginny, she had eventually believed that Hermione had stolen his phone but he had _only_ had to show her his bloody memory of the event to get that into her head.

When they got together the month after the event Hermione was very careful with her phone. No doubt because she was fearing revenge. She kept saying that it was a good thing, because 'Look, you and Draco are dating! The kids love him, he loves them! See what I did?'

But Harry still wanted revenge. So when she came over 2 months after the initial 'incident', Harry had his revenge planned. Draco had practically moved in already. He only went home when it was his weekend with Scorpius (as this weekend happened to be). But if that weekend coincided with Harry's weekend with James and Albus, then he would bring Scorpius to Harry's place too so that they could all go out and do something. Hermione had done a good thing, Harry had never been as happy as he had been in the last few months with Draco and the sex was the best he had ever bloody had.

All the same, when Hermione left her phone on the kitchen counter to top up their wine glasses, Harry seized his chance. He grabbed it and flung up a personal shield.

"Harry!"

Harry smirked, "You'll never be able to break it down, so don't even try. It's an Aurors personal shield Hermione. Death Eaters couldn't get through this baby."

"Harry, I said I was sorry," Hermione exclaimed, "You can't do it on my phone, I have work colleagues on there!"

"And the text you sent out went to my boss and his boss," Harry said pointedly, "So I think I will send out this message..."

"Harry no, please! Give me my phone back."

"Revenge is a dish best served cold Mione," Harry grinned, "My boyfriend has taught me a thing or two about revenge. He is a Slytherin after all."

Hermione looked like a deer caught in the headlights and Harry couldn't help but think, _hah! We'll see how she likes it when the shoe is on the other foot!_

"Send!" Harry said triumphantly.

"What did you send?" Hermione asked warily.

" _You and I need to spend more time together. This weekend I'll hire a flying car and we'll just fly to wherever we feel like. You in?"_

Hermione groaned.

"At least I didn't mention lap dancing," Harry said honestly, "You pulled all of my dirty secrets out of the bag! What's the worst responses you can get?"

"Don't ask that," Hermione muttered as she grabbed her wine glass and stalked into the living room.

Harry sniggered and summoned his own wine glass into his personal shield before following her through. He sat down on the sofa opposite her just in case she decided to tried to punch the hell out of his shield charm, he wouldn't put it past her and such a muggle method might actually work.

"I hate you," Hermione said pointedly.

"You love me, I'm your best friend," Harry said with a falsely sweet smile, "And you did this to me just two months ago. Revenge, Hermione."

"I know, I deserve it," Hermione muttered, "That doesn't mean I'm looking forward to people replying."

Her phone began to buzz and beep at those words and Harry grinned wickedly as he unlocked it.

"How do you know my passcode?" Hermione asked irritably.

"Hermione, it's your daughter's birthday," Harry snorted, "It wasn't exactly difficult. I can see why you weren't a Ravenclaw."

"Now that's just harsh!" Hermione practically huffed, drawing her feet up underneath her.

Harry grinned, "But it was also true. Oh would you look at that? We have some replies! One from Draco actually, why do you have Draco's number?"

"Because he's dating my best friend," Hermione said with a pointed look at Harry, "What did he reply?"

" _I can think of a far better way to spend my weekend Granger. In fact I can think of several and they all involve your best friend in various comprising positions. Speaking of Harry, did he send this?"_

Hermione rolled her eyes, "You're predictable."

"To Draco at least," Harry said in amusement, "There's another reply here. This one is from...Viktor Krum!"

Hermione's cheeks flushed, "Oh god."

"Why do you have his number?" Harry asked eagerly, "In fact...well I think the text is going to require some explaining. " _Sounds amazing. I really miss you and I'm free all weekend - Vik x."_

Hermione cringed.

"Vik?" Harry asked, "Holy shit Hermione! Are you cheating on Ron?"

"No!" Hermione exclaimed, "Of course not! It's just...oh Merlin. Do you remember those couple of months in 1999 when Ron and I were on a break?"

"After you had that really big fight, yeah," Harry said with a nod, "Wait, are you saying that you and Krum..."

Hermione nodded, "And Ron knows about it. I told him before we got back together, he was outraged of course but I didn't exactly want to make it public knowledge."

"Right, my lips are sealed," Harry said, still staring at Hermione in disbelief, "I can't believe you never told me that."

"I still can't believe you never told me you slept with Charlie Weasley!" Hermione cut in.

Harry grimaced, "Yeah fair play. But speaking of awkward things we don't tell each other...Draco and I had the ex-girlfriend/boyfriend/lover talk the other night."

"And?"

"And let's put it this way, there were some names on his list _and_ mine," Harry said sheepishly, "Chiefly Charlie Weasley and Oliver Wood."

"Well you both have good taste then," Hermione laughed, "Wait, Draco slept with a Weasley?"

Harry nodded, a smirk forming on his lips, "Several times."

"That's way too much information!" Hermione exclaimed as her phone buzzed in Harry's hand.

Harry was grateful for the distraction as he glanced down, "Who is Monica Turner?"

Hermione's eyes widened, "The Head of the DRCMC! My boss!"

Harry snorted in amusement, "Is she a muggle-born?"

Hermione looked horror struck as she nodded.

"Well she replied saying this, " _Not another fan of those horrible flying monstrosities? I tell you, I would take a chevy anytime and blast out some Tim and Faith. You need to travel with me on our next business trip to America."_

"She's from Texas," Hermione said as she shook her head.

"Who the hell are Tim and Faith?"

"Tim McGraw and Faith Hill," Hermione explained, "The power couple of country music. It's a genre of music, big in the southern states of America. Merlin, I'm going to be subjected to a road trip across America in a bloody chevy pick-up truck! Thank you for that Harry."

Harry smirked, "You are _so_ welcome," he said sarcastically as he glanced down at the phone, "Oh and there's another one. It's from Ron!"

Hermione narrowed her eyes warily at Harry as he burst out laughing. It took him a moment or two to compose himself enough to read it, "Well this is way more than I ever wanted to know about my two best friends love life. " _Where are we going? I'm in! I'll see if I can get Mum to watch the kids. If they're feeling really generous Harry and his ferret might even do it. Do you remember our last road trip? That was the best use you have EVER found for the backseat of a car baby!"_

Hermione groaned and let her red face fall into her hands.

"In the back of a flying car, huh?" Harry grinned, "Well! The last road trip you went on was the one to Italy, right?"

"Yes," Hermione mumbled through her hands.

"And wasn't Hugo born about 9 months later?" Harry sniggered.

"Yes Harry," Hermione said, looking up at him with bright red cheeks, "My son was conceived in the backseat of a flying Camaro."

"Classy," Harry grinned.

"Please tell me that nobody else replied," Hermione said hopefully.

"No can do," Harry said, lounging back against the sofa, "There are plenty more replies to peruse. You obviously don't text Seamus very much because he's said this, " _Tempting! Could do with knowing a few things though. A. Who are you? B. Are you fit? C. Can you drive?"_

Hermione snorted, "I don't think I've texted Seamus in years, not since before Rosie was born."

Harry tutted, "Ah and Dean has replied to. You must talk to him more often, he seems to at least know who you are."

"He works in the magical painting business," Hermione chuckled, "He did portraits of Rose and Hugo when they were babies."

"I see," Harry said in amusement, "Well he said this, " _Sorry Hermione, painting portraits all weekend. Assume you meant you and Ron and me and Trace? Would be a bit weird otherwise."_

"God," Hermione muttered, "What have you done?"

Harry suddenly giggled in a very high-pitched way, "Your Mum has replied! She's not very keen on flying cars is she?"

Hermione shook her head warily, "She doesn't trust them. What did she say?"

" _Not sure this was meant for me, honey? I still don't think you should be using flying cars. They seem very unreliable, wheels should stay on the ground. Stay safe sweetheart. All my love to you, Ron and my grandbabies xxx."_

"She worries, and now you've made her worried," Hermione said with a look of mock disgust, "You complete monster."

"Oh, aren't I dreadful?" Harry smirked, "Who is Sophie Smith?"

"Oh shit! She's my friend from primary school, she's a muggle! You just sent her a text about flying cars!"

"I don't think it's going to break the statute of secrecy," Harry snorted, "She just thinks you're on something cause she said this, " _Girl, are you high?! Cars don't fly! Sleep it off and we'll catch up soon xxxxxxx."_

"That was lucky Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, "I could have had a lot more muggles in my contacts!"

"Relax, I'm an Auror. I could have just obliviated someone," Harry said with a wave of his hand, "Hannah is totally up for it, she just said, " _Yeah sounds good."_ Oh and there's a reply from your Dad as well. Oh this is so sweet Hermione!"

Hermione groaned, "He worries too. I'm going to have to call my parents to fix this, you complete arse!"

Harry just grinned, "Well he says, _"Are you serious? I would never go anywhere without planning a route first. You could crash into a mountain! You could end up dead in a ditch Hermione! You are acting very irrational here, are you okay? Call me please."_

Hermione sighed, "Can I have my phone so that I can call my Dad and stop him from freaking out?"

"Nope, there are two more texts," Harry said cheerfully, "Ah Luna. Her text is stereotypical Luna. _"Sure! I'm busy Saturday but Sunday is good for me. FYI: There's some air traffic control problem around Edinburgh, I suspect the rogue cannibal Thestral pack that killed off so many Nargles last year. They cause so much trouble."_

Hermione smiled fondly, "There's our Luna."

Harry was shaking with laughter as he opened the last text. His eyes widened, "Oh wow, this one is juicy! Oh...oh!"

"What?" Hermione asked anxiously, "Who is it?"

"Well it's from Neville," Harry said as he looked over at Hermione.

Hermione frowned, "And? Neville's my friend. What's juicy about it exactly?"

"I think I'll just read it and let you work that one out," Harry said with an amused look, " _Uh...not sure that would be a good idea? You know I've always had feelings for you. But you said you and Ron were very happy together after we kissed at the Memorial Ball. Is everything okay? If you two are having a hard time or if you're going through a divorce or something you know I'm here for you, right?"_

Hermione paled, "Oh..."

"You kissed Neville?" Harry asked in disbelief, "Neville Longbottom? Neville married to Hannah Abbot, Longbottom?"

Hermione grimaced, "Uh...yes."

"Does Ron know about this?" Harry asked with wide eyes.

"Not exactly," Hermione said, "He knows I kissed someone, he just doesn't know it was Neville."

"What Ministry ball was this?" Harry asked, "What year?"

"This year," Hermione mumbled.

"This year?" Harry echoed, "As in like a couple of months ago?"

Hermione nodded, "It's complicated, alright? I was quite drunk, in fact I was very drunk. The alcohol went to my head because I hadn't been drinking for so long with breast-feeding Hugo and all."

"So you got drunk and snogged Neville Longbottom in a bathroom or a cupboard somewhere?" Harry asked, not quite believing his ears.

"No, not exactly," Hermione said again. She groaned, "It was the Memorial ball so Ron was upset. He and I got into a fight about how it wasn't just about him. I was upset too, and I knew he was upset about Fred but I reminded him that other people had died too, a lot of other people. The fight we had was...well you know it was a big fight. The biggest fight we've had in a really long time. We showed up together but we avoided each other all night. I went outside for a cigarette-"

"You stopped smoking years ago."

"I know," Hermione sighed, "I was stressed, alright? And Neville was out there and we talked and he kissed me and..." her cheeks flushed, "He wanted it to go further but it didn't and things have been very awkward ever since."

"I can imagine," Harry said, "Are you and Ron alright, Hermione? You aren't just staying together for the kids like Ginny and I tried to for so long?"

"Things aren't great, but it's not a disaster either," Hermione said honestly, "It's just a slightly rough patch. We all have them."

"Hermione, I told myself it was a rough patch too," Harry said gently, "Until that rough patch lasted for a year and a half, then I faced the truth."

"Yes well you decided after a year or so of marriage that you were as gay as a bloody rainbow," Hermione said pointedly, "You can't really work at a marriage after _that_ comes out. Ron and I really will be okay, Harry. Trust me."

Harry smiled sadly at her, "I do, I just don't want to see you unhappy."

"I wasn't unhappy until you stole my phone, now can I have it back please?" Hermione asked.

Harry smiled slightly, "You could have taken it back at any point. I lied about that really strong personal shield charm, it's just protego. One spell would have shattered it," he said as he dropped the shield and threw her the phone.

"Ugh, Draco is really rubbing off on you!" Hermione said as she got to her feet and grabbed her coat.

Harry got to his feet and hugged his best friend, "Promise you'll come chat if things get worse?"

"I promise Harry," Hermione said as she kissed him on the cheek, "As much as you can be an annoying little brother, you are also the best friend I have in this world. If things get worse, I'll tell you."

"Alright," Harry smiled, kissing her on the cheek, "Take care of yourself."

"You too," Hermione as she stepped into the fireplace, "And just for the record, I really do hate you."

Harry chuckled, "Yeah I know, I hate you too," he teased as she stepped into the fireplace and disappeared from sight.

 **THE END**


	3. Draco's Phone

**Send to All - Draco's Phone  
**

It had been 3 months since Harry had found out all of Hermione's dirty secrets by stealing her phone and sending out a text to all of her contacts. In that time they had both been very busy, they had caught up once a month as they always did but their catch-ups had been very brief. However this time it was Harry's birthday and to celebrate Hermione and Ron were coming over to have dinner with him and Draco. Harry would have been very nervous about that prospect if it wasn't for the fact that Draco and Ron could tolerate each other and had done for several years. All three of them were Aurors, and Neville had gone through Auror training with them too before deciding his heart lay in teaching.

The night went very well. Draco cooked a delicious meal, and they all caught up over food and wine. Harry was glad to see that things seemed entirely back to normal with Ron and Hermione. She had told him at their last monthly catch-up that it _had_ just been a rough patch and that they had managed to work everything out.

Once they had eaten they retired to the living room and Harry poured out another glass of wine for Hermione, and generous measures of Ogden's best firewhiskey for himself, Draco and Ron. They were just making small talk. The topics of discussion were the usual things; work, the kids, etc. Things only took an interesting turn when Draco reached into his pocket and frowned, "Harry, have you seen my phone?"

"This phone?" Harry asked in amusement as he flung up a shield charm and took the phone from his pocket, "It really is a very strong shield charm this time," he said, grinning at Hermione, "And you know that they are my speciality Draco."

Draco rolled his eyes, "Do your worst," he said, a challenge in his eyes.

Harry grinned, "Let's send this out then, _"Be honest, have I been annoying lately? I won't be offended_."

Ron snorted, "Everyone will just reply saying yes."

Draco raised an eyebrow, "Some of my friends actually like me, Weasley."

"I can't believe how completely unphased by this you are," Hermione said with a shake of her head.

"Until the replies start coming in that is," Harry grinned.

"And if I were you Ron, I wouldn't laugh too much. I could easily steal your phone and do the same," Hermione smirked.

Ron just laughed, "Wouldn't be much point though would there? I have about 6 numbers in my phone, yours and Harry's, Gin, Bill, Charlie and George. That's it."

"Draco has a lot of numbers," Harry grinned, "And a lot of friends who have already started to reply. Ah we have Theo, Draco's best friend or so he thinks. He said, " _Yeah actually, the last few days while Daphne was here. You were a bit strange, I was going to ask you about it."_

Draco rolled his eyes, "I was being weird because my best friend is dating my ex-wives sister. That's a weird situation, right?"

"It is pretty weird," Ron said in agreement.

"Blaise has replied too," Harry sniggered, "Typical Blaise, he just gets right to the point. " _No, you haven't_."

Draco was still thoroughly unabashed by this, _until_ Harry's eyes widened, "Shit! I forgot you had Roy and Susan on here!"

Draco's eyes widened too, "Roy replied? As in Head Auror, Roy?"

"Oh fuck," Harry muttered as he scanned the text.

"What?" Draco asked anxiously, "What does it say, Harry?"

Harry bit his lip, "Uh...it says, " _Yes actually. It's very annoying watching you and Potter pretend NOT to be involved with each other while hearing reports of you emerging from broom closets all over the department together."_

Hermione cackled, and Ron roared with laughter.

"He knows?" Draco asked in disbelief.

"Of course he know!" Ron said through his laughter, "You two have been at this for 5 bloody months! Everyone knows!"

"Why hasn't he fired us or separated us as partners then?" Harry asked in disbelief.

Hermione shook her head, "Harry, you really do forget that you are the man who saved the world, don't you?"

Draco smiled slightly, "That and you're next in line for Head Auror. Everyone knows it, _Roy_ knows it. They're just waiting for you to turn 30 so that Roy can retire and you can take over."

"You get away with everything in that department mate," Ron chuckled as Draco's phone buzzed a few more times.

Harry smirked down at it, "Oh Dean's replied. Wait, how do you know Dean?"

"He's married to one of my friends from school, Tracey," Draco said with a wave of his hand, "And he painted a portrait of Scorp when he was a baby. I really don't know him that well."

"Well he's pretty perceptive," Harry chuckled, "He just replied with this, " _Has someone nicked your phone?"_

Hermione laughed, "It sounded like a few more texts just in though."

"Oh yeah, there are plenty," Harry grinned, "Starting with one from your best friend, Pansy."

"Oh Salazar," Draco cringed, "What does it say?"

Harry giggled, "I can tell that she's to you what Hermione is to me. It says, _"Why just lately? You're always annoying, but I suppose you've been a bit worse recently. It's only because you're so lovestruck with Potter. Considering how long you wanted him for I think this honeymoon period is going to last for YEARS."_

Draco's cheeks were faintly pink now, and Harry looked up mischievously. His caught his boyfriend's grey eyes and asked, "How long have you wanted me for, Draco?"

Draco cleared this throat, "Not that long, don't flatter yourself Potter."

Ron snorted, and Harry laughed, "I love how I'm Potter when I get on your nerves Draco," he said matter of factly, "Ah, here's another response. This one is from Neville and it's-" he laughed loudly, "- oh it's priceless, this one is just priceless!"

Draco raised an eyebrow at Harry.

"It says, _"No, what are you a 9 year old girl? Why the sudden insecurity?"_

Ron barked out a laugh, and even Draco chuckled.

"At least you don't have the emotional range of a teaspoon," Harry said with an amused look at Hermione.

Hermione smiled sheepishly, "I've upgraded Ron to a tablespoon actually."

"I'm a responsible Father now," Ron smirked.

Draco shook his head in amusement as he caught Harry's eye. Harry's smile widened a little as he held Draco's gaze. The phone in his hand buzzed again and he tore his eyes away. He looked down and laughed very loudly, making Hermione jump.

Draco's eyes narrowed, "Who is this one from?" He asked warily.

"It's from Daphne Greengrass," Harry said as he wiped away tears of laughter, "And it's bloody hilarious."

Draco looked vaguely nervous for the first time all night, "Go on..."

"It says, _"Yeah, you've been really annoying since you started dating Potter. Even more annoying than you were in Hogwarts when you swooned every time he looked at you and climbed fucking trees to get his attention. Seriously Draco, it astounds me that it took my sister 2 years of shit sex to work out that you were gay."_

Draco's cheeks went bright red and Ron was beside himself. He was doubled over with laughter that was making him cry. Even Hermione was laughing at this one. Harry had to take a deep breath to calm himself down.

"You did go to extreme lengths to get Harry's attention," Hermione breathed as she finally stopped laughing, "You shouted across the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff tables to insult him."

"You also did climb a tree one time to look cool while insulting him," Ron chipped in.

Harry grinned, "I guess you've always wanted me Malfoy."

"You wish Potter," Draco muttered under his breath as he silently cursed Daphne.

Harry managed to pull his amused gaze away from Draco to look down at the phone, "Some more messages. Tracey Thomas has replied, " _Not anymore than usual to be honest."_

Draco shook his head, "Typical Trace."

"And...oh shit," Harry frowned, "Susan Bones has replied too."

Draco groaned, "Ugh! How many of our fellow Aurors did this thing go out too?"

"Well that depends how many of them you have as contacts on your phone," Harry said honestly.

"So Daniels and Grant then," Draco said with a groan.

"Well Susan said, _"Malfoy, YOU are one massive annoyance. Your habit of not doing any paperwork lately is REALLY annoying though."_

"Ooh, the boss isn't happy with you pal," Ron grinned.

"Bones is never happy with me," Draco retorted, "Harry, please tell me that Daniels and Grant haven't replied."

Harry shook his head sheepishly, "I can't do that, and I think Ron is right. Everyone seems to know about us...Daniels said, _"Yeah you are really annoying me. Would you please stop shagging Potter in the storage room next to my cubicle? I've heard enough thanks."_

Ron was laughing so hard now that his face was the same colour as his hair. Harry and Draco had both blushed deeply and Hermione was looking between them. She shook her head with amusement, or exasperation. Harry wasn't certain which one it was.

Harry cleared his throat, "And Grant replied with...uh...oh wow, this one is rude."

"Well it's Grant, what do you expect?" Draco asked over the guffawing tomato (Ron) sitting next to him on the sofa.

Harry cringed, "It says, _"Yep, really fucking annoying. You and Potter are both really fucking annoying. You and Potter screwing in every fucking corner of the fucking department is REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING MALFOY."_

"I think Ron's going to have a heart attack," Hermione said through her laughter as she patted Ron on the back. He was nearly choking on his laughter while Harry and Draco looked mortified.

"Can I have my phone back?" Draco asked, trying to control his blush.

Harry nodded, "Uh one minute. There's one more text from...Astoria."

Draco rolled his eyes, "Heaven help us. What did she say?"

Harry actually snorted in amusement as he read the text, " _You are always annoying, even more so since you started dating Potter (Harry, please give my ex-husband his phone back. Scorpius is calling in half an hour before he goes to bed)."_

"You heard the lady," Draco said, holding his hand out in amusement.

Harry laughed and threw Draco his phone. The former Slytherin caught it deftly and left the room to give his son a call.

When he was gone Ron seemed to recover. He wiped away tears of laughter and said, "Oh Harry, that was classic, classic entertainment."

"You won't be saying that if he does it to you," Hermione laughed, "Poor Draco."

"He doesn't mind," Harry chuckled, "I know most of his dirty secrets anyway."

Ron made a face, "Hey mate, I'm alright with you dating him but I don't need images like that, alright?"

Harry laughed loudly, "Sorry. While Draco is otherwise occupied, who needs another drink to recover from all of that laughing?"

 **THE END**

 **A/N: I'm happy to write more of these. Just tell me what person's phone you want to be stolen and the text you want to be sent! :)**


	4. Ron's Phone

**Send to All**

 **Part 4: Ron's Phone**

 _ **A/N: I'm back with more since there seemed to be a popular demand for it! Just a disclaimer/copyright notice though; I do base each text and a lot of the responses to it on texts sent on Michael McIntyre's Big Show. I'm not trying to steal any content, I'm just using it to make you guys laugh!**_

* * *

It had been a couple of months since the last phone hacking incident had occurred. A big house-elf smuggling case had ensured that those who worked in the Ministry were rushed off of their feet as they worked with officials from over 20 foreign Ministries. When it was all finally resolved in mid-September Harry and Ron went out for a celebratory drink at their favourite pub, the Hogs Head.

It was dingy, dark and dusty but it was their favourite for a few reasons. The first was that the drinks were cheap when you knew the owner and the second was that nobody would ever have thought to look for Harry Potter in a place like this so he could enjoy himself away from the bloody paparazzi. As it was, on this particular Friday night they were the only patrons in the old pub.

"Look mate, just take it off me and fix it will you?" Ron was saying as he thrust a shiny new iphone onto the table irritably.

Harry shot him an amused look, "Ron, it's not that different from your old phone."

"Yes it is," Ron complained, "My old one texted people and called them. This thing has apps and clocks and loads of other rubbish I don't understand! If Hermione hadn't set it up and put all the contacts onto it I wouldn't even have been able to do that."

Harry snorted in amusement, "So you just want me to set up a passcode for it?"

Ron nodded, "Yeah, it can't be that hard can it?"

"Nah," Harry said as he sneakily clicked onto Ron's messages and clicked the infamous 'send to all' button, "For someone who knows phones it's easy enough," he continued as he tapped out a text and sent it.

"Have you worked it out yet?"

Harry smirked at his best friend, "I know exactly how to do it and I'll sort it for you as soon as the replies from the text I just sent to all of your contacts come in."

Ron snorted, "You think I'm bothered about that stupid game? I've barely got any contacts in there."

"You don't know what contacts you have," Harry reminded him with a grin, "You said Hermione put them in for you."

Ron narrowed his eyes at his friend, "Is she in on this?"

"Nah," Harry laughed, "But she might have put more contacts on than you would have done. We'll just have to wait and see, won't we?"

"What did you send anyway?" Ron asked as he reached for his firewhiskey, "It better not be something that can get me in trouble with Hermione. She's already pissed about our last night out together."

Harry sniggered as he recalled, "Well you did go home and throw up in the kitchen sink mate. I'd have been annoyed if I had to clean it up at 2am in the morning too."

Ron glared at him, "That's the last time I let you convince me that muggle cocktails are a good idea."

Harry snorted in amusement, "Well I don't think the text will get you into too much trouble, it says, _"Feeling a little insecure. Do you still think I'm hot? I mean Viktor Krum, Oliver Wood and my best friend who saved the world, can I still compete with these guys?"_

Ron guffawed, "Come on, like anyone is going to believe that I sent that! Since when do I feel insecure and talk about my feelings? That's the kind of shit you and Hermione do over bottles of red wine."

Harry shrugged and sipped his firewhiskey as Ron's phone buzzed for the first time, "Oh I think you underestimate our friends, they'll probably just think you've gotten drunk and melancholy. I mean you do kind of get melancholy every time you get drunk…"

"Whatever," Ron scoffed.

Harry wasn't fazed by his friends lack of enthusiasm for the game. He glanced down at the phone as the replies started to come in and he sniggered again, "Well your first reply is from Draco."

"Why in Merlin's name did Hermione put Draco in my contacts?" Ron asked in disbelief.

"Probably because I'm dating him and I'm your best friend?" Harry guessed, he grinned, "Anyway Draco typically just replied with, _"No."_

Ron snorted, "Like that comes as a surprise. Who else did Hermione put on there?"

"Let's see…there's a reply from Susan Bones," Harry said through his laughter, "And it says a lot about how much work you do in the department considering that she's just replied with, " _Sorry, what Weasley is this?"_

Ron laughed at that, "Yeah well she won't have my number, will she? Makes me wonder how many of my brothers number are in her phone though…"

Harry grinned, "Yeah it does kinda pose that question, doesn't it? I reckon we can use that information to our advantage. Oh there's another reply just come in, it's from Seamus and it's brilliant."

Ron shook his head as Harry practically cackled, _"Its borderline bro... but if you hang out with me a bit more I'll guarantee you stay cool and current."_

"What does Seamus know about being cool and current?" Ron asked with an amused shake of his head, "He's an experimental potions brewer!"

"I don't know," Harry admitted with a chuckle, "But I do know that Bill has replied and it's pretty harsh."

"Go on," Ron said.

" _Definitely not. You can't compete with any of your older, more attractive brothers either. The truth hurts mate,"_ Harry read out through his laughter.

Ron rolled his eyes, "Typical Bill, he's always said he was the best looking one."

"Well…" Harry said slowly.

Ron made a face, "I really don't need to know which one of my brothers you find hottest, Harry. From what Hermione's told me I reckon it's probably Charlie anyway."

Harry's eyes widened, "Hermione told you that?" he asked in an undertone.

Ron smirked at his friend, "She's my wife, she tells me everything. Did you really think I didn't work it out anyway? It was obvious!"

"Do you think Ginny knows?" Harry asked in horror.

Ron snorted, "Of course Ginny knows. Did you seriously think that she didn't?"

Harry let his head hit the table with a thump, "I thought I'd manage to slip that one past her," he said as Ron's phone buzzed again. He looked down at it and opened the text straight away because he was eager to take the attention away from himself, "Oh, Hermione has replied! Ha! This is brilliant!"

Ron rolled his eyes, "How sarcastic is it?" he asked.

"She has replied _, "Victor and Oliver don't have a patch on you. Harry is a tough one though."_

Ron snorted, "She knows you've nicked my phone."

"Yeah," Harry agreed, "She's trying to wind you up. Oh, you've also got a reply from Luna…ah, this is a juicy one!"

"What could possibly be juicy about a text from Luna?" Ron asked in disbelief.

"She said, _"I think you meant to send this to someone else! But you are definitely still hot sweetheart!"_

Ron's ears reddened and Harry raised an eyebrow at him, "You and Luna huh?"

"No way," Ron said quickly, "Don't put words in my mouth, there has never been a me and Luna."

"Are you sure about that, sweetheart?"

Ron glared at Harry, "Look, if you really need to know…Luna admitted after the war that she had a bit of a crush on me. I didn't really know what to say so she kissed me and then I came to my senses and told her I just liked her as a friend. Then me and Hermione got together and it was all just forgotten about, alright?"

"Luna kissed you and you never told me!" Harry said in disbelief.

"You shagged my brother and didn't tell me," Ron pointed out.

"Fair," Harry said somewhat sheepishly, "But seriously? When did this happen?"

"Right after the final battle," Ron admitted, "You know when you disappeared up to the common room and slept for about 2 days?"

"Yeah," Harry said with a nod, "Does Hermione know?"

"Oh yeah, I told her about it right afterwards," Ron said with a wave of his hand, "She thought it was hilarious."

"It's pretty funny," Harry agreed as he glanced down at Ron's phone, "Speaking of Charlie by the way, he's just replied saying, _"Sorry bro but firstly, you're my brother. Secondly, you don't have Krum's arms. Thirdly, you don't have Ollie's arse and finally, how many dark lords have you killed again?"_

"Sarcastic piece of shit," Ron muttered under his breath.

"Hey, Hermione prefers you over Krum!" Harry pointed out, "And Charlie has a point, Oliver does have a very fine-"

"Right, I don't want to hear any more about that," Ron said quickly.

Harry grinned at his friend in amusement, "You've got a reply from Theo Nott too by the way. I didn't know you knew him?"

Ron shrugged, "I didn't really know him until that whole smuggling case hit. When I was out in Europe trying to minimise damage control he was out there too. I have no idea why they sent an Unspeakable out, it was all very hushed up."

"There was more to that case than met the eye," Harry agreed, "There were a lot of Unspeakables and undercover workers on it. I wonder if there was a mole in the department and that's why they hushed it all up."

"I reckon you're right," Ron agreed, "So yeah, I spent like three weeks with Theo in Kiev."

"I think you made an impression on him," Harry joked, "He's replied, _"You are the king, they are all just cheap imitations of you. You will always be number one. P.S. We should be together."_

Ron laughed out loud at that, "Nah, Theo's dating Daphne Greengrass. You know the Undercover worker in the Auror Department? He's just having a laugh."

"It's still pretty funny," Harry chortled, "You've also got a reply from…Roy."

Ron's eyes widened, "Our boss Roy?"

"The one and only," Harry said with an evil grin.

"Why is he on there?" Ron asked in disbelief, "Why would Hermione do that? Oh Merlin's balls…what has he said?"

"He said, _"Ron, did you mean to send this to me? I feel uncomfortable being asked this question. I think you need to see the department psychologist to resolve this issue. See me on Monday."_

"Oh fuck off Harry," Ron said irritably as Harry roared with laughter, "You do realise this means I'm going to be subjected to a therapy session with bloody crazy Mary now, don't you?"

Harry nodded through his laughter, "I want to say I'm sorry but I'm really not."

"You're the worst friend ever," Ron grumbled.

"Oh come on, I'm not that bad," Harry said as he glanced down again, "Oh there are some more replies. George has replied…oh try not to get offended by this one."

Ron rolled his eyes, "Great, what's it say?"

"It says, _"Still? When were you ever in competition with those guys? Hermione even dated Krum back when she still thought you were an irritating furball!"_

Ron snorted, "She dated Krum when she was in school but she married me and had kids with me. I reckon I win that one, don't you think?"

"Yeah," Harry chuckled, "I'd back you on that one mate. Dean replied too, he just said, _"Dude, get a grip. You're acting like a pussy."_

"See," Ron said, he looked vaguely amused, "I told you our friends wouldn't think I'd talk about my feelings."

"It's just confused Percy," Harry said with a smile.

"Doesn't take much though, does it?" Ron retorted.

Harry chuckled, "He's said, _"Sorry? Was this text meant for me? I don't feel qualified to comment."_

Ron shook his head, "He's so serious. How many more replies are on that thing?"

"Just a couple," Harry said honestly, "Neville replied with _"Ron, you've never been able to compete with those guys. P.S. What about me? How many times have I told you, I'm more than just a sidekick."_

Ron laughed at that, "Is he forgetting that I was your sidekick first?"

"I'm going to text him back," Harry grinned, "Let's see… _"Someone has a short memory. I was Harry's sidekick before you killed any snakes…"_

"Did you actually just send that?" Ron asked through his laughter.

Harry grinned, "Yep, it will be interesting to see his reply. The last reply is from Gin and it's hilarious," he said as he sniggered to himself.

Ron shook his head as Harry caught his breath and read out the final text, _"You're feeling insecure? What are you a 12 year old girl? Do you want to come over for a sleepover so we can have pillow fights and talk about our feelings? (Harry, have you got his phone?)"_

"Gin should know you well," Ron said in amusement, "She was married to you for years."

"You have a point," Harry said as the phone buzzed again, "Oh Neville has replied! _"Yeah but I still killed the snake, didn't I?"_

Ron snatched his phone off of Harry, "Nev's gonna hate me now."

"He does seem to be forgetting that you destroyed a horcrux too," Harry pointed out, "Therefore you are both my sidekicks and you are equally worthy."

Ron scoffed, "I'm not your sidekick anymore, that's Draco's job."

"Try telling him that," Harry said as he sipped his firewhiskey, "He's convinced he's the senior Auror in our partnership. Just wait until I get promoted to Head Auror…that'll show him."

"It's about time," Ron said as he downed his firewhiskey and grabbed his coat, "There have been rumours in the department for the last year. They're going to have to pull their finger out and do it soon."

Harry shrugged, "Maybe, I reckon they're waiting till I'm 30 so nothing will happen till next year. Are you heading off?"

"I've got to pick the kids up from Mum's," Ron admitted, "Hermione's still working a ton of overtime with the paperwork left over from the smuggling case. Whose watching your two?"

"Draco," Harry said as he got to his feet, "So I should probably go and rescue them before they're subjected to anymore boring books or potions experiments."

Ron snorted in amusement, "See you at work on Monday."

"Maybe," Harry grinned as they left the pub together, "You might be stuck with crazy Mary all day!"

"Fuck you Harry!"

 **The End :)  
**


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